4 years back, I started out my weekly thoughts on my blog. They are first extracted from quotes then of songs and all these thoughts I had placed down reflected my feelings at the particular moment or the past week.
The past years now seems to be a dream. From the first meet up we had along the corridor, a simple smile to each other, till we exchanged our mobile number, repeated times of arranging our first recess together, our first dinner, to our official first date we planned ahead for but you unfortunately had to fall sick on that day and you invited me to pay you a visit after which so that we could continue on our dinner plan, and later to our on/off relationship.
Things became crystal clear to me on Sunday. My mind went completely blank when I was shot with many questions which I was caught off guarded with. You allowed me to be the one to do all the answering. I was shocked, pressured, no words could enter through my mind. I couldn't form any sentences on my own to speak out my views. There are just too many things I heard for the first time. My brain couldn't process it at all. I was in utter shocked. You promised you would tell me the truth should the situation happened. But you didn't. What more do you want me to say? To confront you? To stood by your side and supported you? You called me earlier before the meetup and confessed to me but none of the facts you told me were true either. What were you expecting to be spoken out from my mouth then?
I supposed to feel devastated. But till now I had yet shed any tears. I expected myself to breakdown during the meetup, but I didn't. Perhaps I had broken down too many times that I am now immune to all these damages. When I got back home, my mind remained blank. The only obvious difference I found of myself is that I had lost all my appetite. I didn't had any food on sunday itself till my buddy forced me to munch down a couple of calamaris. Monday lunch, I only took a couple of mouthfuls of mee goreng.
But I am glad, I had woken up now. Why should I be behaving like a walking zombie? Why should I when I am not the one at fault? For the past 45 months, I gave in my all, my everything just to please you and to make you happy. I done all these acts willingly, no regrets as those were exactly what I wanted to do at the particular moment, hoping that you would feel love by me. To the people who really knows me, I am not someone who is soft. Definitely not soft with my closest friends, buddy or family members. But I had you at my weak spot. I would go along with you and not defied you or put you down. I don't play mind games with you or place myself in situation to be hard to catch.
I always wishes for the best of you and would take every effort to help you should it be within my capabilities. By doing so, I hoped to lessen your burden and hoped you could be less 'busy' and have more time to rest and chill. Whatever you had told me, I took it all and believed in everything even though some excuses were absurd. My friends would always question if I am a 3 years old kid to believe in such excuses. But I still chose to put trust in you.
For now, I chose not to linger in the past and think any further to make myself feel worst. I had seen it clear. I do not hate you dude, not at all. You taught me a lesson. Perhaps I had prepared for the worst during these many months. Which makes me appear to be so calm and strong. Maybe one of these coming days I would see myself breaking down. Maybe? But there is also a possibility that I would not too. The time I had spent are well enough. Its high time to move on.
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